Down for the Count

Welp, I was hoping it wouldn't happen this soon, but it has: Mr. P has a cold. Well, HAD a cold. Ok, he still sort of has a cold. I mean, I don't really know for sure anymore - there's no "I have a cold" light on him like a car. That would be nice though.

Anyways.

It's been tough. I mean, really really tough. Something I learned for the first time this month was that babies only breathe through their nose. Purposefully, at least. I'm sure there's the occasional mouth breath, but it's purely accidental. So when his nose gets clogged, it's a disaster. Sleeping is a disaster. Feeding is even worse. And when a baby doesn't sleep or eat, all that's left to do is cry. And at times, it goes beyond a normal cry - it reaches circumcision-level crying, which is painful for everyone. It's just sad seeing him so upset and not being able to do much for him. We texted back and forth with good ole Dr. Tyler, but Pearson's so young that there's only so much you can do. So, for those prospective and soon-to-be parents, let's take a look at just what you CAN do, along with a personal review of each method.


1. The Bulb Sucky Thing

What is it: I still have no idea what its actual name is (running to the internet)…ok, it's called an aspirator! It's basically a turkey baster that looks like a cross between an onion and a funnel. There's also this type. I do NOT recommend it for what should be obvious reasons. All kidding aside, I've heard it's actually pretty good, and it's sweeping through Europe. So you know it's good.

How it works: So after mashing down the onion part, shove the funnel section up your child's tiny nostrils until it reaches their brain. No, no, I kid. Well, just about the brain part. In fact, I'm pretty sure we didn't stick it far ENOUGH up there because it's sort of scary to be doing such a horrible thing to a newborn. But once you have it nice and snug, release the onion! You'll hear a sucky suction type noise if you're doing it right. This will be closely followed by what I can only assume are tears of joy from your newborn.

Rating: 5/10 - I'd probably give it a 6, but this method is both hard to do (mentally and physically) and isn't really too effective if you don't do it right. It's also frowned upon by some people in the organic, hippie world that we live in here in Southern California. Which is not surprising, considering you can only do it 3-4 times a day because of swelling, and it can lead to nosebleeds. You've been warned.


2. Saline Nose Drops

What is it: It's saline. You know, salty water?

How it works: You buy it (or make it if you live in said hippie world) from CVS, open the box, unscrew the bottle top, and drop into your newborn's little nostrils. Apparently you can't "OD" on saline drops, but I wouldn't recommend more than 3 seconds of dripping. I mean, put yourself in your babies tiny little shoes. How long could you take involuntary saltwater being slowly dripped in your nose? It also isn't pleasant if/when they slightly choke on it as it makes it's way to their throat.

Rating: 8/10 - You can just HEAR that snot being broken up. And although Mr. P has coughed and cried a few times during this, it's clearly a more humane thing to do than sucking their brain out with a turkey baster.


3. Onions

What is it: It's a vegetable. Comes in white, red, or brown and are grown in the dirt, usually on a farm or ranch. If you've never heard of them, just ask your local grocer. He'll be able to point you in the right direction.

How it works: First you cut up a whole fresh onion. I'd say a rough chop. Not a dice. DEFINITELY not a julienne. Then simply place the onion in a bowl or bowl-type device and set in the room that your newborn is sleeping. Soon, two things will happen: your newborn will be able to breathe a little better, and your entire house will smell like a pot roast.

Rating: 3/10 - This poor rating is not because it's not effective. It very well might be. And I actually have no evidence to support the argument that it's not. Quite the opposite, actually - once Gill roughly chopped (not diced, not julienned) the onion and put it in Pearson's room, he actually slept for more than 30 minutes. It's just that I'm flat out skeptical. But don't be surprised if I end up rating this much higher in the future.


4. Bassinangle

What is it: That's a word I just made up. It's derived from the combination of bassinet and angle. Bassinangle.

How it works: Let's say you had a really stuffy nose and someone taped your mouth shut (remember, this is what it's like for a baby…sort of). Which would you choose: Have someone dangle you upside down so that all the snot slides further back into your nasal cavity? Or have someone stand you upright and let it come out the other way? Pretty sure you'd choose #2, which is why we put a pillow under the bassinet and angled Mr. P up a little bit. Lying on his back is unpleasant, to quite unpleasant for him at the moment.

Rating: 9/10 - The only drawback here is that he can slide down to the bottom of the bassinet after writhing in his swaddle. So I guess you should not perform this unless you have a video monitor handy and two workable eyes to watch it with (sorry Jake).


5. Hot Tub

What is it: Water, when heated to a certain degree, becomes steam. I didn't know if you knew that or not. But it's true. And it helps. So does a steamy hot bath.

How it works: Bring one normal baby bathtub into one normal bathroom. Fill up the tub with normal water (between 90-100 degrees), and turn the shower on in the background. While the room fills with steam, ceremoniously undress your child and slide him into the warm tub. Mr. P does this twice a day - one actual bath, and one steamy relaxi-bath.

Rating: 10/10 - I don't see any drawback to this whatsoever, except for the fact that it might make YOU want to take a bath of your own (Jake).


6. Temp Check

What is it: Just a little routine temperature check in case of fever. Please reference the diagram to the right, which should go down as one of the greater diagrams in the history of diagrams. When you're done reading it, disregard the diagram, as it's not the Wade-recommended way of doing things. Well, not exactly at least.

How it works: You have several options, but really you don't: It's rectal or bust. You really think an armpit reading is accurate? And do you really want to try and hold a thermometer under your baby's tongue in his closed mouth? If you think bulb sucky is torture, try this. In the Wade household, we say: Go rectal or go home...(pause) Good gosh. Sorry. Anyways…lift your child's legs up as if you were changing his diaper, drop that thermometer tip into some petroleum jelly, and then begin the insertion. It shouldn't take more than 30 seconds or so to get a reading, and actually, Pearson quite enjoyed this. He was pretty calm throughout the proceedings...(pause) Okay, let's move on.

Rating: 1/10 - Look, you should do this. It's a no-brainer. But be warned, my fellow readers, this can go horribly wrong. Not the insertion, nor the actual temperature reading. It's the removal. Maybe I can illustrate this for you: Let's say that you went to Old Faithful, which erupts every 90 minutes or so, and plugged it up for 2 days. What do you think might happen when you removed the plug? Our carpet, changing table, wipe container, and my shirt will never be the same. And my head was in the general vicinity. Fortunately, I came out unscathed. This time.


Any other ideas are welcome. Just add them to the comments section, and I will both try and rate them with pleasure. Well, maybe.