Day 86: The Breaking Point

A selection from the "Father's Are Expectant, Too" chapter of What to Expect When You're Expecting:

There she goes — again. Urinary frequency will be your spouse's constant companion in her first trimester, and it'll come back with a vengeance in the last trimester, too. So try not to hog the bathroom, and always leave it ready for her use. Remember to put the seat down after every use, and keep the hallway free of obstacles (your briefcase, your sneakers, that magazine) and lit by a nightlight so she won't trip on her way to the toilet.

Pretty ridiculous, right? I'm not talking about the frequent urination - that's for real. I'm not talking about not hogging the bathroom - I don't. And I'm definitely not talking about putting the seat down - if you've been married for 5 years and haven't figured that out by now, there's truly no helping you. It's that last line that made me laugh the most. I mean, seriously, keep the hallway free of obstacles? A nightlight!? Absurd!

Oh, how wrong I was.

1:30 am. Brentwood Luxury Apartments, #10. We're in a deep sleep. Correction: we're not sleeping at all. It's 72.3 degrees and I'm burning hot (c'mon, that's hot for LA). I've flipped my pillow over countless times and I just flat can't sleep. Then I think, the fan! I creep out of bed (I'm 100% unaware that Gill is also mercilessly awake at this point) and tote in the stand-up fan from our living room.

Of course, Gill is semi-jealous that I've found something to do besides sit there in my own misery, and she's sitting up in bed when I come back in. She decides that now might be a good time for a bathroom break and walks past me --BAM-- head-first into the door.

And that's when it all came crashing down.

To put it into cultural perspective, this is the point where Jesse Spanno breaks down on Zack's shoulder after her week-long drug problem. Except replace "Jesse Spanno" with "Gillean Wade", "Zack" with "Stewart" and "her week-long drug problem" with "10 full weeks of nausea and lack of sleep". It was the perfect storm of emotions, sleeplessness, and pain. Yes, she ran into the door and hit her lip, but trust me, that's not what these tears were about. Of course, at 1:30 am, that's exactly what I thought they were about.

Woah, she's really wailing, there must be blood! A lot of blood! Get her to the light! That's what she needs - blinding light!

That only made matters worse, and once I realized what was actually happening, she had pretty much cried herself out and we were both sitting on the floor of the bathroom, completely exhausted.

We collected ourselves and finally got to our feet, making our way back to the room. She went first, I shut the door, then --BAM-- she steps directly on Lady.

Breakdown. Again.

Lady's yelp scared me so bad that I almost broke down myself, but I had to spring into Zack mode all over again as Gill sobbed into her pillow. It wasn't pretty - I was groggy, annoyed, burning hot. Gill was crying, nauseous, and irrational. And now Lady was in pain. But somehow, some way, all three of us lying there together made us feel better.

We even laughed, as I couldn't resist pointing out the irony of it all: The book was right. The freaking book was right.